Espada Escapades
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: A series of short stories about life with the Espadas. Expect shenanigans the likes you've never seen before starring a cast of Orihime, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Gin, Szayel, Nnoitora, Halibel, Starkk and all the others. Gradual Ulquihime but not in every story.


Movie Night

_A/N: After writing so many Fairy Tail fics I figured I'd take a break and write something I've been thinking of for quite a while. I've seen quite a few Hueco Mundo fics with Orihime and Ulquiorra chilling about and getting in to all kinds of shenanigans, so I thought "Let's give it a go." Here's the finished result. Thoughts are in italics. Enjoy..._

"Movie night! Movie night! Movie night!" Orihime chanted as she walked down the corridor.

"Be quiet woman. It's bad enough that I have to sit through this torture with you; don't subject me to your crooning either."

It all started one day when Orihime got bored in her cell and decided to make a super hero costume. She picked her favourite, Spiderman, then cut up and sowed together lots of cloths to make a terrible looking outfit. Luckily for her Ulquiorra was checking the surveillance footage to find out who had dyed his outfits pink (it was Gin obviously) and so Grimmjow was blessed with the spectacular sight of Orihime singing "Spider man! Spider man! Does whatever a spider can!". After he finally finished laughing the sexta espada asked her how and when she lost her mind, but once she explained what she was doing he quite liked the idea.

"Aww ok." Orihime hung her head. "Can I at least web swing down the hallway?"

The first thing the two 'super heros' did was rush to Szayel to beg for actual web shooters. Once he had finished laughing at them he got to work and in no time at all the pair had fully functioning web shooters. The octava espada also kind of liked the idea too, and thus the three of them began their web swinging rampage around Las Noches.

Ulquiorra sighed. "Woman those were confiscated two weeks ago. You will never see them again."

It was all fun and games until Orihime crashed into Tousen. The general took great offence at the assault and immediately took them to Lord Aizen to be punished. This didn't go well since Aizen gave his standard "I back neither one of you." approach before leaving for coffee. In the end the two opposing parties came to an arrangement that meant that the web shooters were taken away from them, but in return they got a movie night once a week. After much debate they chose to have the Dark Knight trilogy playing first. The first movie was only screened to the four of them, but word soon spread of the amazing human moving pictures. Every espada gathered to watch The Dark Knight and all of them enjoyed it. Even Captain Buzzkill himself, Commander Tousen, was reported standing on top of the roof saying "I am the hero this organisation deserves, but not the one it needs right now." Nobody would have believed it if Gin hadn't recorded it and sent it to everyone.

"Noooo my babies!" The girl cried dramatically before getting distracted by something shiny. Ulquiorra was dying inside already and the film hadn't even begun yet.

"Sup bitches!" Grimmjow called from a joining corridor. Ulquiorra tried to quicken his pace to escape the idiot but Orihime stopped and waved at him.

"Hey Grimmy! You ready for the movie?"

"Hell yeah I am! I hear there's a cat woman in this one. Hope she's hot so I'll have some inspiration for later, know what I'm saying sad man?"

Ulquiorra looked at him with dead eyes. "No and I do not wish for you to explain it. You are without a doubt the most repulsive being I have ever met. In fact, the only reason you are still alive is because Lord Aizen forbids me to kill you."

The blue haired man just laughed. "Ah I forgot that your pants are as empty as your hollow hole. Still I think I may have hit a nerve..."

"I assure you they are not empty."

"Go ahead and prove it then! Or maybe I should just ask Orihime about the whole..."

He was promptly backhanded through a few walls by his superior. Orihime just stood there blushing while Ulquiorra, for the millionth time, sighed. "I knew we should have had him spayed."

The rest of the walk was awkward as hell for both of them. Thankfully though it was only another couple of minutes before they reached the throne room. The rest of the espadas and their commanders were already seated and waiting for them bar Grimmjow. The poor kitty slunk in right behind them rubbing his bruises.

"Now that we are gathered, let us begin this weeks film night." Aizen announced before turning on the projector. Szayel had one build especially for this that was of the highest quality so that the full cinema experience was simulated. Well bar the over priced food. Or the crappy chairs. Or the screaming kids.

"STAAAARK I NEED TO PEE!" ...actually scratch that last one.

Yammy took an instant liking to Bane. "Yeah this guy has the hair and muscles of a real warrior! Plus he's a total badass, taking over an enemy plane in handcuffs. All he needs now is a proper voice and he'll be the ruler of the world!"

It started out well, but as the film progressed Szayel got increasingly annoyed. "The hell is that leg thing that makes him able to kick through concrete?! Also where did that plane technology come from? Humans are no where near that smart."

"Justice conquers all." Tousen replied. "This man walks the path of the righteous. There is no way he can lose to silly things like technology or logic."

Szayel took out his Faceplam-o-Matic and used it until he saw stars. Grimmjow meanwhile was still entranced by Catwoman. "Oh I'd let her take anything she wants from me..." he drooled.

"I think I'd prefer to take something from her..." Nnoitora added with a glint in his eye. Grimmjow looked at him. "Too far man. Too far. Besides I have dibs."

Zommari was in the back row becoming slightly bored. "See Bane is under the influence of his buyer. He has no real power of his own." At that exact moment Bane ripped off his employer's face. "...I stand corrected."

The three generals at the front were quite amused by the film, most of all Gin who was winding up Tousen as usual. "I'm tellin' ya, I read spoilers n Batsy gets his back brok'n!"

Tousen folded his arms. "Nonsense. Batman walks a path of justice; he cannot fai-..." Right on queue Batman got the shit kicked out of him by Bane. It was a brutal scene of Batman trying everything to win but ultimately his back was indeed broken and his weapons were stolen.

"Told ya!" Gin grinned at the twitching Tousen, who then stood up and ran out of the room screaming "JUUUUUSSSSTTTTTIIIIICCCEEEE NNNOOOOOOOOOO!"

Orihime leant over and whispered to Ulquiorra "Isn't he really really blind? How does he watch the movie then?!"

"Indeed he is 'really really' blind." Ulquiorra confirmed then returned to the film, not wanting to admit he had no fucking clue. Luckily Grimmjow had his back.

"Why the fuck does he carry around binoculars or read non-bumpy books _(A/N: that's books in Braille but let's face it; Grimmjow wouldn't know _that)? No one will ever know..."

Despite Szayel going batshit crazy over the 'medical procedure' performed in the prison (to quote him he said "Oh sure, why not just start fucking cloning batman next?! Maybe he'll lose a limb and magically find a mushroom that grows it back! Who the hell wrote this junk?!") the rest of the film went relatively quietly. There were a few "oooh"'s and "ahhhh"'s during the fight at the end (mainly from Grimmjow and Nnoitora) and they all gasped at the ending.

"SHIT GUYS YOU BETTER CATCH ME!" Szayel yelled, completely done with this movie. "I KEEP FALLING IN ALL THESE FUCKING PLOT HOLES! HOW THE HELL DID THEY SURVIVE AND...oh forget it I'm going back to my lab."

As the projector was switched off Aizen stood up holding an envelope.

"As a display of my abilities, I have correctly predicted the events of the film down to the last detail. Here, you may have a look."

The espada passed it round and sure enough the envelope contained a piece of paper with all the main events and twists in the film.

Gin nudged his captain. "Spoilers too eh?"

Aizen smiled at him. "Oh Gin, as if I had any need for them. My powers..."

"So ya did check the link I sent ya then?"

"...Gin, are you doubting my powers?"

"Oh Captain Aizen, what makes ya think that?"

The room was filled with an awkward tension. While both Aizen and Gin were smiling, the smiles were the sort of ones you give before you snap and kill everyone. Everyone else figured that now was the best time to leave.

"So did you like the film Ulquiorra?" Orihime asked her captor.

"...it was...acceptable I suppose." Came the stoic reply.

"Aww he loved it really didn't you batty boy!" Grimmjow laughed, earning him a sharp punch to the gut. He was used to it though so they just kinda left him there.

They bid goodnight to one another and left to go to their rooms. However, later that night Orihime heard a strange noise. Looking outside her window, she saw the bat-shaped silhouette of a certain espada's release form standing outside.

"I am the night." The figure then started looking around nervously. Orihime hid so that she wasn't seen, and only peaked again when she was certain that he felt alone. Once he did, the figure allowed their wings to flap behind them in a fashion similar to that of a long cape. They even found a large rock to stand on and look out over at the dead world.

"Ahem..." A throat was cleared, then the words she never thought would be spoken in Las Noches came in a low, husky voice. "I am justice. I am the night. I. Am. Batman."

Orihime quickly returned to bed and lay there in stitches. "_I never knew he was this funny! He he he and I think next week it's Iron Man haha!"_

_A/N: I'm probably going to make a series of these which I'll add to whenever I can't write any AoT or Fairy Tail fics. Haha I always imagined Ulquiorra as secretly loving those type of films despite his cold exterior. Anyways I hope you all liked it. Read, review and give me any recommendations or ideas for things to write :)_


End file.
